How I am Like a King

It would be safe to say that the story of King Asa is relatively foreign to many church goers today. It is not one of the typical bible stories told in Sunday school, and certainly not referenced nearly as often as other biblical narratives, perhaps because it does not end happily for the King. Regardless, it is a wonderful story that bares similarities to other more popular narratives and carries with it a picture of a man, his relationship with God, and his struggles in that relationship that are relevant today. I was once told that the mark of a good story is found in whether or not it can be applied regardless of time and culture, and this story bares such a mark. I like this narrative because it accurately mirrors not only my life, but the difficulties that many Christians face in combating the flesh and walking with God. It is amazing how the life of a king thousands of years ago can be so similar to the lives of everyday people in the present.

King Asa’s story is recorded in 2 Chronicles 14-16. In the beginning of 2Chronicles 14, Asa has succeeded his father, Abijah, on the throne as King Solomon’s great grandson and the third King of Judah. During the time that King Asa received his throne the scripture tells us that Asa was walking closely with the Lord. He removed foreign alters and high places, smashed sacred stones, and cut down the ashrah poles, commanding Judah to seek the God of their father’s and listen to and obey Him, “…and the kingdom was at peace under him” 2 Chronicles 14:5. As time progressed Asa built up the fortified cities of Judah and an army of three hundred thousand brave fighting men; all of it prospered. “No one was at war with him during those years, for the Lord gave him rest” 2 Chronicles 14:6.

God’s calling was apparent; he had chosen Asa to be the king of Judah and to lead His [God’s] people back to the one true God. Throughout the remainder of chapter 14 one can see King Asa answering this calling and trusting in the Lord’s ability and power in striking down Judah’s enemies. When taken to war by the Cushites, King Asa demonstrated his trust in the Lord through this cry-

“Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us,
O Lord our God, for we rely on you and in your name we have come against this
vast army. O Lord, you are our God; do not let man prevail against you.”
-2 Chronicles 14:11

The Narrative continues with the Lord hearing King Asa’s request and striking down the Cushites before King Asa and Judah. After this, in chapter 15, the Lord issues another calling to King Asa saying that He (the Lord) is with Asa when Asa is with Him; and that He will be found by King Asa when Asa seeks Him, but that He will forsake King Asa, when King Asa forsakes Him. Asa also hears and answers this calling and God was found through King Asa’s passionate and eager seeking. There was no more war until the thirty-fifth year of King Asa’s reign.

The real crisis of this narrative occurs in the thirty-sixth year of Asa’s reign when King Baasha of Israel went up against Judah and fortified the city of Ramah to prevent anyone from entering or leaving the territory of King Asa, This was a great developmental opportunity for King Asa to once again place his trust in God and call for help, but Asa did not. Instead, Asa took silver and gold from the Lord’s temple and his own palace in order to form a treaty with the King of Aram. This treaty stipulated that the King of Aram would break his treaty with the King of Israel, forcing them to withdraw from Judah. Although, Israel was in fact forced to withdraw from Judah through this treaty, King Asa had forsaken the Lord. First, King Asa had taken matters into his own hands and called on the help of man instead of God. Second, King Asa had taken gold and silver from what had been dedicated to the Lord in order to add value to his offer of a treaty with the King of Aram. Lastly, Asa used what he had wrongfully gained to add to his personal wealth and power by building the cities Geba and Mizpah out of abandoned supplies intended for the city of Ramah.

In response to King Asa’s disobedience, God sent word to Asa saying that because of Asa’s neglect to call on the Lord for help, he would not see Judah at peace again in his lifetime. In this narrative, God did not reestablish Himself faithfully because, as God had stated before, if Asa forsook Him, He would forsake Asa. In the same way, I fully believe that if Asa had repented and returned to God, God would have fulfilled His promise to be found by King Asa and return to him. However, Asa never again sought God. Later, Asa was afflicted with a disease and “…though the disease was severe, even in his illness King Asa did not seek help from the Lord, but only from physicians” 2 Chronicles 16:12. Nonetheless, God prevails and enters into communion once again with Judah through the next king, Jehoshaphat.

Although this narrative does not end well for King Asa, I can easily find similarities between him and me when it comes to our individual walks with God. In the same way King Asa eagerly sought God and walked with Him, there have been times in my life where I have also. Conversely, there have also been periods and circumstances in my life where I have forsaken God, much like Asa. I so often find myself abandoning God for what I think I can handle on my own, even though I have witnessed His power in fighting battles for me before. In addition, I also tend to select the battles I want the Lord to fight, and keep some battles for myself- failing miserably. I am fundamentally flawed in thinking that no one understands me or my situations better than I do, and that if I want something done right I should do it myself.
God has shown me time after time the error of this way of thinking. The summer after my freshman year of college I worked at a camp where my primary job as a counselor was to invest in the lives of students and be an example of Christ’s love. However, as God was working in the lives of my campers I began realize His desire to further impact my life as well. This desire was exemplified in God’s urgings to not solely see the deliverance my campers required, but the deliverance I needed also. One night in particular, God brought a sweet girl from my cabin to ask to speak with me alone. Before long, I realized I was sitting with a girl who was completely broken in hatred for herself and the family she felt never loved her. I had never felt so ill-equipped for anything in my life. I didn’t have any words of encouragement, and could find no glimpse of true understanding regarding exactly what she was going through. All I knew was that her hurt was far beyond anything I knew how to heal, and all I could do was hold her as she sobbed against my shoulder. It was then, that I asked the Lord for his help; for a way to comfort her, to show her His love, and to encourage her. We sat for half an hour in nothing but silence and tears as I begged God for something- anything to say or do… and nothing came. Suddenly, the girl ceased crying and sat up, telling me that God had been speaking to her. God had helped her to reach realizations and truths that I never could have accurately conveyed to her. It was then that I realized that God had heard our cries for help and offered deliverance, though not in the way I expected Him to.

More presently, God has been calling me to a life of mission work. After years of fighting God on this instruction, and dealing with selfish anger over how it did not align with my desires- God has changed my heart. I am now at the place where I am yearning to meet this calling. However, regardless of good intentions, I came very close to ignoring God on a matter related to this calling only a few months ago. This occurred when knowledge that God was calling me to mission work and a friend’s planned short- term trip to Europe this coming summer collided. My friend, who also feels called to missions, disclosed to us that she would be going to Europe for a few weeks to stay with other missionaries in various countries and visit several mission organizations while she was there; however, she needed another companion for the journey. Thinking, without going to God about it, that this would be a good decision and a good way to establish connections in missions- I decided to announce to my family that no matter the cost or their opinion, I would raise the money and go. However, my family was a little more hesitant about the decision, and advised me that I should seek God’s counsel and wait on Him. After weeks of refusing to seek His will, I finally decided to just go to Him with my plans (not so much to seek direction, as to further confirm my decision to go). However, I surprisingly did not receive the confirmation I expected- and I didn’t go. Through all the anger and confusion that resulted from this, God opened my eyes to another mission opportunity right here in Abilene at a nursing home. It is definitely through God’s deliverance that I am able to serve there. I am constantly drawn back to King Asa’s words in 2 Chronicles 4:11; “O Lord, you are our God; do not let man prevail against you.”

There is so much that Christians can glean from the story of King Asa. God desires our obedience and to bring us deliverance through the heeding of his calling. King Asa does not differ from other Christians and the struggle we all face to give request help from God or take things into our own hands. God longs to fight our battles, not to forsake us. He desires for us to seek Him and find Him. Exodus 14:14 says “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still”. As much as King Asa could have used this reminder, so do those walking with Christ. In this story we are convicted not to forsake God, but to forsake our desire for control. If one cannot humble them self and let God do the fighting, one will not fair any better in times of discord than King Asa.

Isaiah 55:8 - 1

"My thoughts are completely different from yours," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher then the earth, so are my ways higher then your ways and my thoughts are higher then your thoughts.

"The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands. Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where briers grew myrtles will sprout up. This miracle will bring great honor to the Lord's name; it will be and everlasting sign of his power and love."

Isaiah 55: 8-1

The Wilderness

Just when I feel as though God is silent and I have no idea where He is leading me, I am reminded;

the Israelites wandered 40 years in the wilderness because they did not heed God.

Integrity, Despair, and Purpose.

In the 20th century, the well known psychologist Erik Erikson developed a theory involving eight different psychosocial stages of development. He claimed that these stages occur throughout a lifespan, are universal, and each unique stage occurs at a specific period in everyone's life. The video of Johnny's rendition of "hurt" reminds me of one of Erikson's stages in particular.

The last stage an individual goes through is that of Integrity vs. Despair. This stage occurs in old age as one is approaching the end of their time on earth. Erikson theorizes that at the end of their life, human beings tend to look back on what their life was and what it became. In this, they either feel a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment over a life well lived or the despair of a life that was wasted. Although the song "Hurt" was not originally written by Johnny Cash; his rendition of it, coupled with the potent cinematography, illustrates this ending stage of psychosocial development beautifully.

Another fitting example of this stage was expressed thousands of years before Johnny Cash or Erikson and his theory came into existence. The book of Ecclesiastes consists of the writings of a man who is also looking at what his own life has been, and reaches despair in the conclusion that everything has been meaningless.

"All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing." Ecclesiastes 1:8

"Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." Ecclesiastes 2:11

I wonder if Johnny Cash, or the writer of the song "Hurt", could relate to the book of Ecclesiastes. I think they probably could have. As I watched the video above, it struck a cord in me and left me with several deep and probing questions. When I look back on my life, how do I want to feel about what it became? What do I want to have devoted it to? Is my life really about me, or is it about something greater? How do I find meaning in life? The writer of Ecclesiastes ends his book with this;

"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole [duty] of man." - Ecclesiastes 12:13

The writer has the advantage of experience. In spite of everything he had obtained on earth, he knew what it meant to feel as though his whole existence had been absolutely worthless, to feel as if his life had been void of meaning. Yet at the ending of this book, after wrestling with the foolishness of living life for oneself, he arrives at a life changing conclusion. We were made for a purpose far different and more significant then anything the world tells us is valuable and worthwhile. We yearn for and desire more because we are in desperate need to live the life we were called to. However, we so often confuse this longing with a need for the made, not the Maker.To fear God and keep His commandments is the WHOLE DUTY OF MAN! You want the meaning of life?...There it is. Life will only be lived to its fullest when we are dwelling in obedience to and walking in relationship with our Creator. This is what we were made for.

"For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:18

Humble Service

Authentic service to others is one of the greatest examples of humility. A servant will be trampled on, will be taken advantage of, will be overlooked. I struggle with this because every ounce of my flesh wants to fight against being someones "doormat". I have found myself becoming angry and bitter because in my ignorant and immature way of thinking - people should be recognizing my selflessness; and not only that, they should be striving to serve me as well.

However, just as I am mulling over how mistreated I am and becoming more and more bitter over what others should be doing differently and what they should be recognizing in me; I realize that I am struggling with a sin that is a poison to the very heart of service God is trying to cultivate within me. Pride.

The moment I allow anger to arise within me because I feel that I am entitled to something more, I have become proud and selfish. At that point, my heart is no longer a heart of service; it is a selfish and wicked heart that uses the veil of service for recognition and appreciation. It is a heart that is self seeking and is providing service upon condition. I am fooling myself if i continue to think that I am acting out of love for others.

Service and humility are completely entwined. Being a servant requires that I be satisfied in being overlooked, and trampled on. Not only that I be satisfied, but that I consider it a blessing. I need to work on my humility because serving others is impossible if humility is not also present.

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:1-3

A House of Cards

"God has not been trying out an experiment on my faith or love to find out their quality, he knew it already. It was I who didn't. ...He always knew that my temple was a house of cards, his only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down."

I stumbled across this quote last summer in a piece of literature by C.S. Lewis titled A Grief Observed, and can easily say that this quote is one of my favorites. It's the kind of quote that calls you back to re-read it two or three more times. I love that. No matter where I am in my walk with Christ-I find it is always readily applicable. This quote puts into words what I experience time after time. It illustrates a kind of humbling God continually hits his people with; A kind of humbling that I personally need relatively often. Furthermore, this quote confronts its readers with the hard truth that is repeated again and again in scripture - our temples and our monuments to our faith and love are often no sturdier then a house of cards.

This weekend, I had the privilege of working side by side in the front flowerbed with someone who is not only my roommate, but one of the wisest women I know. After nearly an hour of small talk, she took the initiative of asking me what God had been showing me in my walk lately; a verse I had stumbled across in James came to mind almost immediately. As a result, we began discussing faith and how it manifests itself through action. The verse reads like this-

"What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him 'Go. I wish you well; keep warm and well fed’, but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead". -James 2:14-17

So often, I am guilty of a faith and a love without action. While we are not saved by our deeds, they reflect the heart of a person. Recently, my actions have been saying that my faith is suffering, and that my walk is frail, inconsistent, and dangerously close to non-existent on a day to day basis. I cannot count the number of times, I have told someone I would pray for them and neglected to do so; or the many years I have attended church without tithing even once. "Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead". My faith and my proclamation of faith is meaningless if that, in and of itself, is all it is - just a proclamation. In this way, my faith is dead and my love is shallow.

Just as love is an action and not an emotion, faith is not limited to just a belief. That kind of faith is inconsistent, easily shaken, and shattered. It is of no more use then a house of cards.

A horse is a vain hope for deliverence.

"No king is saved by the size of his
army;
no warrior escapes by his great
strength.
A horse is a vain hope for deliverence;
despite all its great strength it
cannot save.
But the eyes of the Lord are on those
who fear him,
On those whose hope is in his
unfailing love,
to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.

We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield."
- Psalm 33: 16- 20

I have recently been convicted of the fact that while I have been walking with God, I have neglected to fear him. And if I am not fearing God, I am missing the whole point.

Beneath the Mask

In one of my psychology classes we have been talking about the "persona" and the theory that people are just a series of masks. The idea behind this theory is that we are never our authentic selves; in fact, the "authentic self" may not even exist. Instead, we are a product of different facades we have created in order to better thrive in and relate to the world around us.

The textbook for this class is called "Beneath the Mask", and it poses an interesting question; if there is a mask, what is beneath it? Could it be a series of more masks? Could it be that there is nothing beneath the mask? Or could it be that there is in fact an authentic self, a genuine heart, hidden beneath what one may view as a more appealing facade? Furthurmore, if there is a "real" core beneath the masks, what are the consequenses of disguising our true selves in relation to our faith?

For a long time, I have considered myself to be a very open, genuine and authentic person; and as a result, have appreciated that same vulnerability and openness in others. I have no problem exploring deep issues with someone I barely know. I have not thought myself to be someone who was afraid to let someone know who I am deeply. However, just tonight as I was sitting on my couch mulling this idea over, I realized that I am not as genuine as I thought. I put on mask, after mask, after mask, after mask.This mask-wearing particularly manifests itself in my faith.

So, what does this "faith mask" look like? Well, it looks like I have it all together, it looks like I am constantly in a deep intimate relationship with my Creator and continually seeking Him. It looks like I am completely trusting Him and like i actually believe "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me". It looks like I am not struggling with sin ...at least, not as much as you are. Oddly enough, I find that the times when I am talking deeply and openly with someone I care about and respect are the times when I most frequently put this mask on. I'm even guilty of using the profound revelations of others and crediting them to myself, all in the name of the facade. I often sacrifice pure honesty with someone for a fake sense of openess and authenticity, all the while still wearing my mask. I do this because I'm afraid. Anyone who has ever worn a mask before knows what I mean.

So, while I firmly believe that human beings carry around a collection of masks, I disagree just as firmly with the idea that our masks are all we are. Underneath all those masks, lies an authentic self- a genuine core. The bible mentions this core several times in Psalms 139.

"Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me... You perceive my thoughts from afar... you are familiar with all my ways... Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely, oh Lord... Search me oh God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts, see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

All in all, we all have masks we wear and we all struggle with removing them to reveal what is underneath. I constantly fight with what it means to be completely vulnerable. However, I take great comfort in the knowledge that my heart is already seen. I am known by my God. And regardless of all the filth I hide, he not only loves me but chose to bless me with far more then I will ever deserve.

Finally, I understand that wearing masks is sometimes neccessary. It is sometimes inappropriate to be completely vulnerable with your children. A facade often must surface when dealing with a challenging relationship; whether with your boss, or a family member, or a mere aquaintance. It is sometimes imperative to put on a mask of courage when one feels like crumbling. But, the masks that I am talking about are the masks that betray the realness of the heart.

I, as a christian, need to remove such facades because the consequences for misleading others are caustic. As a result, I am responsible for painting a distorted image of what it means to not only walk with God, but to be loved by him. No wonder so many believe they are not worthy of God's love. Through all our masks it is difficult for them to see that none of us are.

A Good Reminder

"Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it."
-Hebrews 13:2

Isaiah 43: 18,19

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." - Isaiah 43:18, 19

A few weeks ago I sat down with my accountability partner in a coffee shop across the street from campus, and (after several minutes of small talk) began to dive into what I had been struggling with the most. My past.

I went on to divulge my guilt and regret over where I had been and decisions I had made within the past year, even the past week... the past day. I then translated that into what I am continuing to struggle with now, and how even just the knowledge and the reminders of my mistakes were affecting my life today and had a significant affect on my current self identity. After awhile of venting my frustration as my friend sat and listened, God hit me with truth in the next thing she said.

"You are not defined by your past."

There is evidence in the bible of how time and time again God continued to love, use and restore his people regardless of their past. One amazing illustration of this occurs in John when the Pharisees brought before Jesus a woman who had been caught up in adultery. Commiting adultery meant breaking one of the ten commandments written out for God's people in Exodus, and as the Pharisees said "...the Law of Moses commanded [them] to stone such women" (John 8:5). However, instead of stoning her, Jesus says that he does not condemn her; and to go and leave her life of sin (John 8:10,11). Another such example is that of King David. King David was a man that God blessed as a result of David's obedience and pursuit of God. Yet, in spite of David's heart for God and his high rank, he- like every other human being- struggled with sin. In fact, in the course of one chapter David commits adultry, attempts to cover up his sin, and commits murder (2 Samuel 11). Nevertheless one does not have to look far to find his repentence in the very next chapter (2 Samuel 12). As a result, God keeps the promise he made to David years before and the lineage of Jesus Christ in carried out through him (2 Samuel 7:8-16).

"You are not defined by your past". But then what are we defined by? In both of these examples a type of humbling occurs. This humbling manifests itself in regret and repentance of sin. True repentance, the kind where one desires to "leave [their] life of sin". It doesn't simply mean asking for forgiveness, but pursuing a heart change in the process. All have sinned and all continually fall short of the glory of God; God created us, He knows that. What matters to God, isn't our past... but where we are going. What he desires from us isn't a perfect life, but a life spent in genuine, humble pursuit of Him.

Hammocks

One of my roommates recently brought back a hammock from a trip she took to Costa Rica. Not long after she arrived home, the hammock was hoisted between and anchored to a support beam on the porch in our backyard and a tall tree a few feet away. We've only had this hammock for a few days now, but I love it; and now that the weather is getting warmer, I take every opportunity I can to spend time just laying in it and letting the breeze rock me back and forth. It was during one of these times in the hammock that I found myself swinging, staring at the sky and thinking about absolutely nothing. You know how great it is to think about nothing for once? I had long been craving a moment when I could take a break from my worries and my to-do lists and completely relax in my thoughts. In the midst of my swaying, I was hit with Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still".

In my last entry I talked about how this past summer my selfish desires had been at war with what God was leading me to do. I shared an excerpt from my journal regarding how annoyed I was with hearing his voice continually shouting out part of his plan for me. His plan wasn't what I wanted to hear. His plan scared me. But, by his grace, he gave me a heart of acceptance and turned my heart towards what he wanted for me. However, since then, God has stopped shouting. In fact, he has grown pretty near silent. Now, that doesn't mean that I haven't seen evidence of him working in my life and in the lives of people around me; but in the past few months especially, I have been searching for a sense of direction. I have been yearning for that shouting voice that had once exasperated me. I have been longing for him to give me more instruction -immediately. I have had no clue what he desires of me next, and I have been guilty of becoming frustrated and anxious, unable to bring myself to the point of waiting on him. Believe it or not, all of this seeking and pursuing his will became absolutely exhausting. Just this past Friday, I expressed how tired I was in my pursuit of God to my accountability partner. I talked about how I had spent so much time praying, begging God to reveal himself to me with no response or sense of relief. I felt completely drained spiritually, and was growing more and more weary with each passing day. And this is where that Hammock came into play...

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still". It had been so long since I had actually set time aside to be still. I get so caught up in wanting to be proactive and take initiative; and while those attributes aren't necessarily bad- they have wedged their way into my walk with God and crippled my ability to trust him and let him do the fighting. At that moment, laying in that hammock, God saw my struggle and met me. He didn't meet me with the answers I had been wanting, or a step by step plan of the course my life would need to take... but he met me with the reminder of a promise. It was a reminder to slow down, rest in him, and continue to love and pursue him through trusting that he is fighting for me. And now, I cling to that promise. How funny that in that rare moment of silence, God chose to reveal such a huge truth to me. All that digging and begging and analyzing and searching... Gah! All it took was a quieting of my heart.

War with God... and Grocery Carts

I have long been at war with God on several things in my life. It is part of my nature to want to take control of my life and have the ability to steer it in whichever direction I deem the most fit. Because I have been given the freedom to do this if I should so choose, I tend to grasp control tightly- I tend to hang on to it for dear life. However, God has graciously given me a heart that cannot turn away from Him, or ignore his truths. I have yet to tap in to the ability to completely tune him out. Believe me, I've tried.

This is where the war with God occurs. I know what he wants of me, but my initial personal desires seem to constantly be in direct contrast and conflict with what he is asking of my life. I realize this is normal and completely in line with the human condition and our depravity as sinners. Nonetheless, it stirs up a discomfort within me that cannot be pushed aside or overlooked… a discomfort that WILL NOT be pushed aside or overlooked.

Can anyone out there relate to the feeling that you have been called to something and not being able to escape the idea- much less, escape the discomfort that is a result of your own contradictory desires and delay in preparing for and carrying out that task. I experience this feeling daily. The tug-of-war between a heart that ultimately wants, longs and wishes to follow its creator and the wickedness of that very same heart's tendency to run the other way. As ridiculous as it may sound, it reminds me of a grocery cart with a faulty wheel. It is a constant struggle to keep the cart from veering off in whichever direction suits it and maintain control so as not to hit any shelves, displays, or worse... other customers. I get that this is such an over simplified metaphor for the human heart and condition, but in many ways it demonstrates an applicable truth. My heart is so similar to that grocery cart. With its tendency to swerve off track, I am constantly having to make a conscious decision and effort to pull it back to where it needs to be. It's frustrating and tiring.

This past summer while I was working as a counselor at a camp in Tyler, TX, this frustration came to a head. As I wrote a new entry in my journal one night, I was angry and the most honest and vulnerable I had ever been with God. I told him that his voice was annoying to me, and that the last thing I wanted to hear was him speaking to me. This is an excerpt of what I went on to write; "What you are calling me to scares me. Very little of myself is excited about it. In fact, most of me hates being reminded of my calling. I feel as though my calling is an obligation, a task I must accomplish to make you happy - and all the while you keep shouting your will in my ear". It wasn't long after this entry that God broke me, and my selfish desires lost. Thank God! I was reminded once again of the promise I made to him... that wherever and to whatever he called me, I would go. The journal entries after that one are evidence of where God took me in my walk after that night of complete openness and exposure to him. In his grace and mercy he turned my desires toward his and showed me what it meant to love him out of obedience (2 John :6), and through trusting and really knowing that he is sovereign (1 Corinthians 13:12).

Still, in spite of what he has shown me... fighting him for control is something I still struggle with and will continue to struggle with as it is the product of my sinful heart. But through questioning him and fighting him, he has humbled me and drawn me closer to him. He allows me to seek him and find him in that way. In spite of the wickedness of my heart, he raises me up in righteousness.



"And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."
- 2 John :6

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
- 1 Corinthians 13:12