A House of Cards

"God has not been trying out an experiment on my faith or love to find out their quality, he knew it already. It was I who didn't. ...He always knew that my temple was a house of cards, his only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down."

I stumbled across this quote last summer in a piece of literature by C.S. Lewis titled A Grief Observed, and can easily say that this quote is one of my favorites. It's the kind of quote that calls you back to re-read it two or three more times. I love that. No matter where I am in my walk with Christ-I find it is always readily applicable. This quote puts into words what I experience time after time. It illustrates a kind of humbling God continually hits his people with; A kind of humbling that I personally need relatively often. Furthermore, this quote confronts its readers with the hard truth that is repeated again and again in scripture - our temples and our monuments to our faith and love are often no sturdier then a house of cards.

This weekend, I had the privilege of working side by side in the front flowerbed with someone who is not only my roommate, but one of the wisest women I know. After nearly an hour of small talk, she took the initiative of asking me what God had been showing me in my walk lately; a verse I had stumbled across in James came to mind almost immediately. As a result, we began discussing faith and how it manifests itself through action. The verse reads like this-

"What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him 'Go. I wish you well; keep warm and well fed’, but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead". -James 2:14-17

So often, I am guilty of a faith and a love without action. While we are not saved by our deeds, they reflect the heart of a person. Recently, my actions have been saying that my faith is suffering, and that my walk is frail, inconsistent, and dangerously close to non-existent on a day to day basis. I cannot count the number of times, I have told someone I would pray for them and neglected to do so; or the many years I have attended church without tithing even once. "Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead". My faith and my proclamation of faith is meaningless if that, in and of itself, is all it is - just a proclamation. In this way, my faith is dead and my love is shallow.

Just as love is an action and not an emotion, faith is not limited to just a belief. That kind of faith is inconsistent, easily shaken, and shattered. It is of no more use then a house of cards.

A horse is a vain hope for deliverence.

"No king is saved by the size of his
army;
no warrior escapes by his great
strength.
A horse is a vain hope for deliverence;
despite all its great strength it
cannot save.
But the eyes of the Lord are on those
who fear him,
On those whose hope is in his
unfailing love,
to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.

We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield."
- Psalm 33: 16- 20

I have recently been convicted of the fact that while I have been walking with God, I have neglected to fear him. And if I am not fearing God, I am missing the whole point.

Beneath the Mask

In one of my psychology classes we have been talking about the "persona" and the theory that people are just a series of masks. The idea behind this theory is that we are never our authentic selves; in fact, the "authentic self" may not even exist. Instead, we are a product of different facades we have created in order to better thrive in and relate to the world around us.

The textbook for this class is called "Beneath the Mask", and it poses an interesting question; if there is a mask, what is beneath it? Could it be a series of more masks? Could it be that there is nothing beneath the mask? Or could it be that there is in fact an authentic self, a genuine heart, hidden beneath what one may view as a more appealing facade? Furthurmore, if there is a "real" core beneath the masks, what are the consequenses of disguising our true selves in relation to our faith?

For a long time, I have considered myself to be a very open, genuine and authentic person; and as a result, have appreciated that same vulnerability and openness in others. I have no problem exploring deep issues with someone I barely know. I have not thought myself to be someone who was afraid to let someone know who I am deeply. However, just tonight as I was sitting on my couch mulling this idea over, I realized that I am not as genuine as I thought. I put on mask, after mask, after mask, after mask.This mask-wearing particularly manifests itself in my faith.

So, what does this "faith mask" look like? Well, it looks like I have it all together, it looks like I am constantly in a deep intimate relationship with my Creator and continually seeking Him. It looks like I am completely trusting Him and like i actually believe "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me". It looks like I am not struggling with sin ...at least, not as much as you are. Oddly enough, I find that the times when I am talking deeply and openly with someone I care about and respect are the times when I most frequently put this mask on. I'm even guilty of using the profound revelations of others and crediting them to myself, all in the name of the facade. I often sacrifice pure honesty with someone for a fake sense of openess and authenticity, all the while still wearing my mask. I do this because I'm afraid. Anyone who has ever worn a mask before knows what I mean.

So, while I firmly believe that human beings carry around a collection of masks, I disagree just as firmly with the idea that our masks are all we are. Underneath all those masks, lies an authentic self- a genuine core. The bible mentions this core several times in Psalms 139.

"Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me... You perceive my thoughts from afar... you are familiar with all my ways... Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely, oh Lord... Search me oh God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts, see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

All in all, we all have masks we wear and we all struggle with removing them to reveal what is underneath. I constantly fight with what it means to be completely vulnerable. However, I take great comfort in the knowledge that my heart is already seen. I am known by my God. And regardless of all the filth I hide, he not only loves me but chose to bless me with far more then I will ever deserve.

Finally, I understand that wearing masks is sometimes neccessary. It is sometimes inappropriate to be completely vulnerable with your children. A facade often must surface when dealing with a challenging relationship; whether with your boss, or a family member, or a mere aquaintance. It is sometimes imperative to put on a mask of courage when one feels like crumbling. But, the masks that I am talking about are the masks that betray the realness of the heart.

I, as a christian, need to remove such facades because the consequences for misleading others are caustic. As a result, I am responsible for painting a distorted image of what it means to not only walk with God, but to be loved by him. No wonder so many believe they are not worthy of God's love. Through all our masks it is difficult for them to see that none of us are.

A Good Reminder

"Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it."
-Hebrews 13:2

Isaiah 43: 18,19

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." - Isaiah 43:18, 19

A few weeks ago I sat down with my accountability partner in a coffee shop across the street from campus, and (after several minutes of small talk) began to dive into what I had been struggling with the most. My past.

I went on to divulge my guilt and regret over where I had been and decisions I had made within the past year, even the past week... the past day. I then translated that into what I am continuing to struggle with now, and how even just the knowledge and the reminders of my mistakes were affecting my life today and had a significant affect on my current self identity. After awhile of venting my frustration as my friend sat and listened, God hit me with truth in the next thing she said.

"You are not defined by your past."

There is evidence in the bible of how time and time again God continued to love, use and restore his people regardless of their past. One amazing illustration of this occurs in John when the Pharisees brought before Jesus a woman who had been caught up in adultery. Commiting adultery meant breaking one of the ten commandments written out for God's people in Exodus, and as the Pharisees said "...the Law of Moses commanded [them] to stone such women" (John 8:5). However, instead of stoning her, Jesus says that he does not condemn her; and to go and leave her life of sin (John 8:10,11). Another such example is that of King David. King David was a man that God blessed as a result of David's obedience and pursuit of God. Yet, in spite of David's heart for God and his high rank, he- like every other human being- struggled with sin. In fact, in the course of one chapter David commits adultry, attempts to cover up his sin, and commits murder (2 Samuel 11). Nevertheless one does not have to look far to find his repentence in the very next chapter (2 Samuel 12). As a result, God keeps the promise he made to David years before and the lineage of Jesus Christ in carried out through him (2 Samuel 7:8-16).

"You are not defined by your past". But then what are we defined by? In both of these examples a type of humbling occurs. This humbling manifests itself in regret and repentance of sin. True repentance, the kind where one desires to "leave [their] life of sin". It doesn't simply mean asking for forgiveness, but pursuing a heart change in the process. All have sinned and all continually fall short of the glory of God; God created us, He knows that. What matters to God, isn't our past... but where we are going. What he desires from us isn't a perfect life, but a life spent in genuine, humble pursuit of Him.

Hammocks

One of my roommates recently brought back a hammock from a trip she took to Costa Rica. Not long after she arrived home, the hammock was hoisted between and anchored to a support beam on the porch in our backyard and a tall tree a few feet away. We've only had this hammock for a few days now, but I love it; and now that the weather is getting warmer, I take every opportunity I can to spend time just laying in it and letting the breeze rock me back and forth. It was during one of these times in the hammock that I found myself swinging, staring at the sky and thinking about absolutely nothing. You know how great it is to think about nothing for once? I had long been craving a moment when I could take a break from my worries and my to-do lists and completely relax in my thoughts. In the midst of my swaying, I was hit with Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still".

In my last entry I talked about how this past summer my selfish desires had been at war with what God was leading me to do. I shared an excerpt from my journal regarding how annoyed I was with hearing his voice continually shouting out part of his plan for me. His plan wasn't what I wanted to hear. His plan scared me. But, by his grace, he gave me a heart of acceptance and turned my heart towards what he wanted for me. However, since then, God has stopped shouting. In fact, he has grown pretty near silent. Now, that doesn't mean that I haven't seen evidence of him working in my life and in the lives of people around me; but in the past few months especially, I have been searching for a sense of direction. I have been yearning for that shouting voice that had once exasperated me. I have been longing for him to give me more instruction -immediately. I have had no clue what he desires of me next, and I have been guilty of becoming frustrated and anxious, unable to bring myself to the point of waiting on him. Believe it or not, all of this seeking and pursuing his will became absolutely exhausting. Just this past Friday, I expressed how tired I was in my pursuit of God to my accountability partner. I talked about how I had spent so much time praying, begging God to reveal himself to me with no response or sense of relief. I felt completely drained spiritually, and was growing more and more weary with each passing day. And this is where that Hammock came into play...

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still". It had been so long since I had actually set time aside to be still. I get so caught up in wanting to be proactive and take initiative; and while those attributes aren't necessarily bad- they have wedged their way into my walk with God and crippled my ability to trust him and let him do the fighting. At that moment, laying in that hammock, God saw my struggle and met me. He didn't meet me with the answers I had been wanting, or a step by step plan of the course my life would need to take... but he met me with the reminder of a promise. It was a reminder to slow down, rest in him, and continue to love and pursue him through trusting that he is fighting for me. And now, I cling to that promise. How funny that in that rare moment of silence, God chose to reveal such a huge truth to me. All that digging and begging and analyzing and searching... Gah! All it took was a quieting of my heart.

War with God... and Grocery Carts

I have long been at war with God on several things in my life. It is part of my nature to want to take control of my life and have the ability to steer it in whichever direction I deem the most fit. Because I have been given the freedom to do this if I should so choose, I tend to grasp control tightly- I tend to hang on to it for dear life. However, God has graciously given me a heart that cannot turn away from Him, or ignore his truths. I have yet to tap in to the ability to completely tune him out. Believe me, I've tried.

This is where the war with God occurs. I know what he wants of me, but my initial personal desires seem to constantly be in direct contrast and conflict with what he is asking of my life. I realize this is normal and completely in line with the human condition and our depravity as sinners. Nonetheless, it stirs up a discomfort within me that cannot be pushed aside or overlooked… a discomfort that WILL NOT be pushed aside or overlooked.

Can anyone out there relate to the feeling that you have been called to something and not being able to escape the idea- much less, escape the discomfort that is a result of your own contradictory desires and delay in preparing for and carrying out that task. I experience this feeling daily. The tug-of-war between a heart that ultimately wants, longs and wishes to follow its creator and the wickedness of that very same heart's tendency to run the other way. As ridiculous as it may sound, it reminds me of a grocery cart with a faulty wheel. It is a constant struggle to keep the cart from veering off in whichever direction suits it and maintain control so as not to hit any shelves, displays, or worse... other customers. I get that this is such an over simplified metaphor for the human heart and condition, but in many ways it demonstrates an applicable truth. My heart is so similar to that grocery cart. With its tendency to swerve off track, I am constantly having to make a conscious decision and effort to pull it back to where it needs to be. It's frustrating and tiring.

This past summer while I was working as a counselor at a camp in Tyler, TX, this frustration came to a head. As I wrote a new entry in my journal one night, I was angry and the most honest and vulnerable I had ever been with God. I told him that his voice was annoying to me, and that the last thing I wanted to hear was him speaking to me. This is an excerpt of what I went on to write; "What you are calling me to scares me. Very little of myself is excited about it. In fact, most of me hates being reminded of my calling. I feel as though my calling is an obligation, a task I must accomplish to make you happy - and all the while you keep shouting your will in my ear". It wasn't long after this entry that God broke me, and my selfish desires lost. Thank God! I was reminded once again of the promise I made to him... that wherever and to whatever he called me, I would go. The journal entries after that one are evidence of where God took me in my walk after that night of complete openness and exposure to him. In his grace and mercy he turned my desires toward his and showed me what it meant to love him out of obedience (2 John :6), and through trusting and really knowing that he is sovereign (1 Corinthians 13:12).

Still, in spite of what he has shown me... fighting him for control is something I still struggle with and will continue to struggle with as it is the product of my sinful heart. But through questioning him and fighting him, he has humbled me and drawn me closer to him. He allows me to seek him and find him in that way. In spite of the wickedness of my heart, he raises me up in righteousness.



"And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."
- 2 John :6

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
- 1 Corinthians 13:12